I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
