who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
