I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize