my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
