You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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