respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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