I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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