You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
