theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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