it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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