i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
