I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
