Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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