In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
