I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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