It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
