She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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