I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
