Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
