Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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