today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
