mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
