saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
