i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
