Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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