Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
