I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
