So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
