I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
