gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
