shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
