Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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