WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
