Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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