you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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