dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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