If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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