I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize