break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
