Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
