he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
