I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
