so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
