Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
