Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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