i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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