apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
