I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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