Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize