So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
