I think I won the penis lottery.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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