it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Randomize
