just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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