The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
