maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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