Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize