And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
