i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
