I haven't been this sober since birth.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
