So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
