I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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