He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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