Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
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