don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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