please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
