you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize