Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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