I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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