I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
