never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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