I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
